12. sometimes I feel like Sybil Fawlty

John Cleese’s Fawlty Towers is a classic. 
I used to watch poor Sybil deal with the most uncomfortable situations and giggle my way through her dilemmas.

But sometimes I feel just like her, and bumble my way through situations just waiting for a hidden camera to jump out, saying “Gotcha”!

One particular occasion – not funny at the time and almost reduced me to uncontrollable hysteria – was when we were hosting a French travel writer. It was in the middle of peak fire season and the inevitable happened. In the late afternoon a fire warning came through on the radio and all the staff were mobilised. Ken vanished into a cloud of smoke to save his farm from burning, leaving me to host the guests.

Darkness fell and I was discussing the merits of which boutique wine would suit our dinner. The guests enquired if Ken would be joining us. “Ummmm, no not just yet, he’s busy attending to some farm business” (like putting out half the farm that’s busy burning!)

Not wanting to alarm the guests with the pending disaster, I veered the conversation back to Chardonnay vs Chenin Blanc. With that the guests’ eyes widened, the size of saucers. Darkness is deceiving and almost upon us was a bright ring of red flames. Quietly excusing myself, leaving the guests to the full run of the wine cellar, I dashed up to the house to make sure it wasn’t on fire. All was under control and a sooty, exhausted Ken finally joined us for dinner.

On another occasion we were trying to impress some travel agents. Tippy, a tame serval, followed us around and was a real favourite. We were wandering around the open area in front of the restaurant, visiting the raptor release aviary where three spotted eagle owls were waiting to be released. The horses had discovered that ostrich pellets were being put down daily and were reluctant to leave the area. They spotted Tippy and decided to have a game of chase. Tippy froze and stared at them. Not being street-wise he didn’t know what to do.

My calm demeanour disappeared and I ran like a banshee to pick him up out of harm’s way. This spurred the horses on even more, freaked out the cat, and I was left scratched and humiliated. One of the agents darted around, arms waving, trying to shoo off the horses. At least it broke the ice.

Running a game sanctuary-lodge-farm-home is hard work. 
We could not do it on our own and have wonderful staff to thank. 
Caring and committed animal lovers who go to extremes to save a life, and prevent cruelty, support us daily. 
We have learnt so much in the two years we have been in South Africa and enjoyed the wonderful hospitality. 


We have come to understand the Zulus, and their lessons about the bush and rural life has enriched our perspective and enabled us to share it with others.

Christmas is a time for thanks-giving, sharing and loving. 
However clichéd it might sound, we, at Milimani express our sincere thanks for everything we have. 

And I personally, would like to say asante sana, ngibonga, 

a huge thank you to Ken for making my dreams come true. 

Sybil Fawlty would have a long way to go to beat this!

Published in Country Life, December 2002

Footnote: Thank you for reading my stories. It has been cathartic republishing them, and I confess it has taken me 8 years to confront the loss of Milimani and the death of Ken. Life after 2002 went a bit pear-shaped and the traumatic experience of dealing with the land claim left some scars. Since Ken’s death in 2005 I have been lucky enough to find love again (thank you Rob Stock) and to be embraced by the bush in Pongola. I am also blessed with the incredible love and friendship of the Kuhle family, who have accepted Rob and I into their extended family.

Other blogs by Lois Kuhle:

SMOKE RINGS IN CUBA. A TWO WEEK JOURNEY FILLED WITH SALSA, SUNSHINE AND SILLY PEOPLE:
http://smokeringsincuba.blogspot.com/2013/10/smoke-rings-in-cuba-journey-filled-with.html

COOL THOUGHTS. MUSINGS AND OTHER MAD MOMENTS:
http://loiskuhlethoughts.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-impatient-gardener.html

8. the moon is empty

Zululand experiences a dry winter and wet summer. Our winter days are glorious with bright sunshine, with a slight nip in the air in the evenings, but comfortable, moderate temperatures during the day. 
But no rain.

This time, though, the rain gave up on us last summer. With very little offerings from heaven, by April the grass had turned brown, whereas, in previous years everything remained vibrant shades of green up until June. The earth is resting and the brittle veld has given up on expecting more rain.

We sell ‘rain sticks’ in the curio shop and one guest gave it his all, twirling the bamboo stick filled with rice to imitate the sound of rain, chanting pleas in Zulu. His efforts were rewarded with a thunderstorm later that evening, but since then no-one has been able to match his rain-making ability. Every day we look longingly towards the south, hoping that one wispy cloud is going to fill out and drop its load all over Milimani.

A gracious Zulu gentleman called Enoch works with us. Enoch is from the old school and his knowledge of Zulu folklore and culture keeps us enthralled for hours. Hoping that Enoch has more contacts ‘above’ than we do, we asked him if we could expect some rain from a tiny cloud that was looking promising. “No,” he said confidently, “the moon is empty. There is no rain.”

Despite us encouraging him to leap up and pendula (turn over) the moon, it was a given. There would be no rain for us. If the crescent bowl of the new moon faces down, it is empty. But if it faces upwards, it is full and we can expect rain.

Enoch also explained the importance of frogs. If frogs croak, rain is around. Almost as if on cue, a frog started croaking and we all looked around in amazement. Sadly, I think he was merely deceived by the sprinkler on the lawn, as the moon was definitely empty.

Enoch escorted us on a walk with the bushpigs one evening, impressing us with his knowledge of medicinal plants. “This tree,” he said “is used for a woman who wants to have a baby.” Kay, a guest, looked suspiciously at the tree, as did I. No, not in the mood to have a baby right now, so we moved swiftly along. “And if I hit you with this branch,” Enock continued in all seriousness, “you will have twins!” With that Kay and I bolted from the forest.

We live close to some villages and we invite the children to sing and dance for us. The money they raise goes towards schooling. The youngsters are full of energy and display kicking skills that make your back ache just watching them.

Most of the children are not quite in their teens, and the passion and enthusiasm they put into the singing and dancing brings their lives in the village alive. Enoch explains the songs to us before they begin. Most are based on being better than someone else and fighting to save your pride and your woman. Hearing tiny kids passionately singing “if you take my wife, I will beat you up!” fills Enoch and the staff with stifled giggles.

As the children warm up and become more confident, and cheeky, they revel in the response from the guests and the cheers and clapping from the staff.

The moon might be empty right now, 

but the hearts and voices of Zululand are filled with song.

Published in Country Life, August 2002.

Other blogs by Lois Kuhle:

SMOKE RINGS IN CUBA. A TWO WEEK JOURNEY FILLED WITH SALSA, SUNSHINE AND SILLY PEOPLE: http://smokeringsincuba.blogspot.com/2013/10/smoke-rings-in-cuba-journey-filled-with.html

COOL THOUGHTS. MUSINGS AND OTHER MAD MOMENTS:
http://loiskuhlethoughts.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-impatient-gardener.html

6. designed by chaos

When we were renovating Milimani, we proudly showed friends and family how the lodge was progressing and monitored our success by their reactions. My favourite was when a friend exclaimed “Wow, who was your interior designer?” I humbly replied “Oh, it was designed by Chaos.” Being a typical Sandton girl, she replied, “Don’t think I’ve heard of him.”

Well, let me introduce you to Chaos. He was totally obsessed by his new project, has amazing vision and endless energy – and I’m married to him.

Before we moved from Kenya to develop Milimani, we dreamt of what we would do and how we would do it. 

I fantasised about the former and Ken worried about the latter.

We inherited an amazing set-up on the farm and aimed to revamp the accommodation to suit international tourism. I wasn’t particularly keen on the typical Zulu rondavels and wanted to build something easier to furnish, but finances put an end to that day-dream.

Friends from Kenya came to visit not long after we moved down and we told them about our concerns about being able to do something different with a round building. Over copious amounts of vodka, Lucy, our colourful Kenyan friend, grabbed a piece of paper and a felt tip pen and set out to design what is now fondly called “Vodka Cottage.”

During the haze of the evening it all made sense and seemed quite logical. And in the grim light of the morning, nursing sore heads, we found Ken, hammer and chisel in hand, working to the plans that Lucy had scribbled out. Vodka Cottage is our favourite room and became a template for the other three rondavels.

The next challenge was: what to do with the restaurant area?

I managed to throw ‘Feng Shui’ jargon at ken many times and it often got me my way – until he realised I actually didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. We’d devised a brochure before we started building and I’d written ‘….with a swimming pool built into a man-made cave…’  The brochure was printed and Ken looked at me in horror. Where was this man-made cave? I explained that we should build it over the small pool at the restaurant and put a game-viewing lounge above it. He challenged me with some engineering talk and I responded with ‘girlspeak’. But it was the brochure that decided the issue – I just love the power of the written word. So poor Ken and his able helpers carted in rocks and stones, and 12 tonnes of cement later, we had a cave over the swimming pool.

We’d also decided to make our own furniture. This time it was Ken’s turn to completely blow my mind. He scouted the bush for dead wood and brought back, what in anyone else’s mind, looked like firewood. This was carefully sorted and categorised outside the workshop. Inside, Nkoni, our capable carpenter, produced the most amazing pieces – beds, tables, dressing tables, chairs, lampstands – everything that was needed for the rooms. We have guests that drive through the bush now looking at dead trees, saying: “That would make an amazing table/ lamp/ etc.”

Despite our lack of plans and seeming chaos, we had a lot of fun putting the lodge together and the result has been rewarding. 

Mother Nature gave us plenty of inspiration and it is she who deserves most of the credit.

Published in Country Life, June 2002

Other blogs by Lois Kuhle:

SMOKE RINGS IN CUBA. A TWO WEEK JOURNEY FILLED WITH SALSA, SUNSHINE AND SILLY PEOPLE: http://smokeringsincuba.blogspot.com/2013/10/smoke-rings-in-cuba-journey-filled-with.html

COOL THOUGHTS. MUSINGS AND OTHER MAD MOMENTS:  http://loiskuhlethoughts.blogspot.com/2013/12/we-have-pending-nuptials.html